Wearing My Blue Pants

These are my blue pants. They are a signal to my husband that I need a break for a bit...

This came about during a therapy session when I was inpatient. My husband was talking about how I never ask for help. Asking for help is hard for me. I’m not any good at doing it so I don’t. I was wearing these pants and said jokingly “ I’ll just put these pants on then you know I need some time to myself “ . The therapist thought it was a great idea to have a non verbal signal,

(I’m sure she probably meant a different one lol) but when I was getting ready to come home I asked about the pants. Staff told me to feel free to take them, so here they are. I used to put them on fairly frequently, then over time they got put away in a drawer and seen far less.

Not because I didn’t need a break, but because I again forgot how to ask for help. I’d see them in the drawer and want to put them on, then that old conversation of “ don’t bother him, he works so hard and is tired “ would run through my thoughts. Which my husband is amazing. He’s not the “ well I’m the man of the house “ type at all and is also a phenomenal Dad who loves spending time with the kids when he’s not at work. It’s amazing how much things from our childhood get so ingrained into every fiber of our being though.

But being at home, quarantined with no homeschool co-op meet ups, no park day, no in person interaction with friends, and with 2 teens with special needs has me WORN OUT. So today I put on my blue pants. But I also did something else. I text my husband and voiced that I needed help. That from 11am til 6pm I was locking myself in our bedroom with snacks and true crime documentaries and not answering “MOM” at all. I waited with baited breath for those 3 little dots to turn into a reply “ Honey that’s great! Take the whole weekend if you want. The kids and I will be fine “

Long exhale... They will be fine. And because I’m acknowledging that I need self care to fill my cup back up, so will I...

Much Love,