*I am posting this as a warning There may be a lot of triggers in here for someone. I will be discussing things relating to extreme mental health and anxiety as well as discussing suicide...
If you see a * by a word, that means I will explain what it means at the bottom.
I am not sure where exactly to start so I am just going to jump right in. For the past few weeks, actually maybe more like a month, I have absolutely not been feeling myself. I remember telling my husband that I felt like I was "going crazy". I keep forgetting things, dissociating , and I swore I kept seeing a dark figure in the hallway outside my bedroom.
At one point I text my husband that I thought I should go inpatient. I have always been the strong one, so he thought I was just being over dramatic ( I can do that very well ) and would just get over myself. I should have been more open to him about what was going on. He had no idea that any of the things I was feeling or seeing was going on. As a matter of fact he will most likely learn them when he reads this. ( Sorry honey ) Thankfully this experience has also brought us closer together as a couple and we have created some amazing ways to help each other that I will share at some point.
So while I felt like I was spiraling, others did not realize it, and I was WAY too prideful to talk about it , or ask for help. My last actual memory was Sunday night, walking up the stairs to my room. I would wake up Wednesday in a hospital room with absolutely no idea how I got there. For a moment I thought I had traveled back in time to when I was 16 and spent time in a similar facility after a suicide attempt. The furniture hasn't changed much, not the other surrounding. ( Thankfully knowledge of mental health has changed A TON ) It actually took for me to go into the bathroom and see my reflection to realize I was still old and had not fell into some weird time vortex. ( You will find some humor sprinkled in these posts. It's just who I am and how I write, and actually how I talk in real life. #sorrynotsorry )
I walked down the hall in my lovely blue set of scrubs, (still trying to figure out how they got me dressed) and to the nurses desk trying to figure out what in the hell happened. They notified *my team that I was awake and then I went into an " interview room " to talk to them. That is when I found out the severity of it all. I could not figure out what day it was and was shocked to learn it was Wednesday. I also learned that I had totally flipped out on my family and said some awful, awful things. If that wasn't enough already, this is when I also learned that I had tried to take my own life. I am not going to go into details of these events for two reasons. One out of respect for my sweet family, and two because the suicide attempt details are not important, and add nothing to the story. I am just grateful I was found.
I am really grateful that I was coherent enough to think to start journaling that day. I will share some things I wrote...
To be continued...
*Team: Psychiatrist, Social Worker, and a intern psychiatrist