** TRIGGER WARNING**
My blog is all about finding my joy after trauma ... which I have ... but please do not think for one minute life is all sparkles and rainbows for me now...
Today I’m struggling... a lot ... I’ve actually been struggling a lot this week. Nothing in particular triggered it that I can pinpoint. I’ve eaten more sugar then I should which is for sure not helping so I’m fasting today to see if that helps. I should probably go to the Temple too. But thankfully I’ve built a supportive tribe and know I can reach out and be honest and they will love me and listen and I can get back to where I need to be emotionally.
A year ago the world lost the beautiful voice of Chester Bennington from Linkin Park to suicide. I knew Chester in the 90’s and was of course happy to see him find such success. I was even happier to see him speak about his struggles honestly and that he seemed to find peace within himself.
Then the news broke and I had to accept that he didn’t. That sometimes no matter how hard we try and we fight against the darkest parts of our soul , we lose.... and that scares me. A LOT...
So today I want to remind you of two things...
To check in on your strongest friends. The ones who talk openly about their demons so you think they are okay. The ones who are the most successful, or the act the happiest . Depression knows ZERO economic or fame boundaries. Tell them you love them and are proud of them but that you are a trusted friend that they can come to when the dark of night seems endless, and the thought of smiling through one more day is so exhausting that they cannot even imagine getting through it...
Allow your friends to be there to listen... Don’t shut them out because you think your pain is too much for them, or it’s embarrassing to show you are weak. ( depression DOES NOT equal weakness btw ).
Instead of going into your closet or bathroom and curling up in a ball crying and taking your mind to a place where you daydream about how ending it will finally end the horrific pain in your heart and mind , grab your phone and text a family member. Text a friend, text the suicide crisis line, hell... send me a message through my FB or IG !!!
I will always be here to listen without judgement .
Let me breakdown your excuses before you think them...
“ I can’t tell a family member or friend because I don’t want to bother them, or worry them “
Bother them?! You know what really bothers people? Attending funerals of people. Beating themselves up for not reaching out or wondering what they could have done to prevent it.
I promise you, odds are they are worried about you already! They probably don’t know how to bring it up so they just stay quiet. ( this also brings us back to checking on people we love )
“ I can’t text you or the crisis line! You’re strangers ! “
First of all a stranger is the creepy dude trying to show you puppies in the back of his scary van....
People that are on the text and phone lines are other caring humans in this world that get it. That volunteer their time because they do not EVER want anyone to feel alone and that they have no hope.
As for me... why do you think I put my personal life out for anyone to see? If I just wanted attention I’d just blog about the crazy fun stuff in my life being a former stripper and working in the music industry, and raising incredibly funny children.
Instead I choose to share this part of my life because I do not EVER EVER EVER want anyone to sit on the floor surrounded by every pill bottle they can find while they daydream of the peace they think taking all of them would have, while battling to try to focus on every reason they should stay !
I don’t EVER EVER EVER want anyone to put that rope around their neck just to see what it feels like, or that blade to their wrist just “ a little “ to try to relieve some of the emotional pain by focusing on the physical...
Life is worth living. No everyday isn’t fantastic, and some days are downright bullshit. But I promise you, if you stick around better days will come. If you need help finding those better days , REACH OUT... louder now FREAKING REACH OUT !
Now get your phone out and put a heart next to those you can text in the darkest times ...
Go find me at
And know that my messages are always on to notify me when you send them.
Sending you so much love today,