It's Okay To Be Sad..

This is my youngest child... He was turning 4 when this picture was taken, Saturday he will turn 12. I have been his Mom for 10 years at the end of this month..

He came to us so damaged. And over time has had more diagnoses then I can count.. We started with Classically autistic...Nope. Effects from abuse and neglect can mimic autism. Then we went to Reactive Attachment Disorder. Yep... But he has healed about 99%

As time went on we noticed he was very delayed. After testing. A LOT of testing, the Dr's and therapist informed us they absolutely believe he has fetal alcohol syndrome. He meets every marker. Yesterday we had a check up and to get his scout physical. His Dr wants to test him for Prader Willi Syndrome. So we wait for that.

I posted about it on my Facebook page ( anyone else starting to hate FB? ) and received a message from someone that I love dearly, questioning his ability to go to scout camp.

Their message was out of love, but cut like a dull knife to my Momma heart.. I totally shut down. I cried myself to sleep, and I have struggled with tears all day.... This is why..

Years ago when my son was in pre school he was like a million times worse behaved then he is now. His teacher actually told me at the end of the year she was going to retire early because and I quote “ I cannot face another year if I get a new student like your child “... while I understood, it was heartbreaking to hear someone talk about my child like that. Year after year someone would always tell us how awful he was in some form or another and you could tell they didn’t like him, and you could tell that he felt that and was so sad... He just wants people to like him. No one gets how irritating he is more then me lol, but you still don’t like to see your child have no friends and be sad about it all the time.. always asking if he can go see if “ so and so “ can play and always coming home defeated when they say no.

He has been invited to one birthday party in the 10 years we have had him. It was this cute girls 8th birthday. He still talks about it :( The day she brought the invitation to him is still so vivid. His joy was beautiful and I went and ugly cried.

I was 100% against him going to scout camp this year. Then the leaders kept telling me it would be okay, and giving me examples how they can help him when I would give an example of why this was not good.

So I prayed about it… A LOT. and I felt that it would be okay. And I cried A LOT. Sunday the other leader came and showed me the paperwork and how they had set up special ways to help him. My Momma heart was so happy. Scared still, but grateful that they took the time to really set up him going and wanted him to go even though I gave them a 100 ways out of it.

The Dr appt yesterday was heartbreaking and it was a reminder of how my son will never be “ normal “ he will never be able to do “normal” kid stuff, and the older he gets the more that will be apparent to everyone around him. My heart breaks..

But scout camp is normal. We went for his scout camp physical.. that was normal. So there was light in that.

Then this message through no fault of their own, and was sent out of love reminded me of everyone that told me how awful he was, and all the kids that won’t play with him, and how it will just get worse over time… and I crumbled..

And like I said last night I was a mess, Im not doing so hot today either. I took a nap. I literally HATE taking naps. But I needed to shut down. You see, awhile ago I decided that it was okay to be sad. But that I would only give myself 24 hours to grieve whatever was going on, then I would get up, wash my face and press on. Because my shutting down benefits NO ONE. Especially not this little boy who needs me to fight for him, and be his biggest cheerleader...

Much Love,